Talking, and Patience

The problem I have is patience. We have been talking dirty to each other all day. I was sitting in a room of hundreds of people when the cellphone buzzes.

I want to be punished

It's not that I have a problem with the idea, its the implementation that I have problems with. I have no patience - I go straight for my orgasm and bowl over anything that gets in my way. Any perversions we choose to share are usually minimal endeavors to fill the foreplay time. To get me excited. Once excited I just want to get on and ride it out.

My body. I want you to abuse it.

I know from reading about BDSM that it can be so much better than this, and I can feel so much energy when sexually aroused that I know working to capture it, channel it, mold it, can only have positive outcomes. But I'm so used to just racing towards the finish, to the sublime thrill of the orgasm, the ejaculation, that I can't stop. I think I'm addicted. Semen is my inverse heroin. I need to my next hit. I need it now.

you need to fuck me tonight.

I'm not sure how I will break this cycle. I still idly masturbate to extreme pornography just to fill the time some days, just to say I did. I think I actually abuse my own sexuality, take it for granted. It is an end, not a means, not a sublime spiritual experience fueled out of the primal creative instincts of the universe. I don't respect it. I don't respect myself.

we need to go shopping tonight
for sex toys
online

I want tonight to be something special. I want to have sex for hours and hours and not be a slave to the tyranny of hydraulics. I want to take her and use her and abuse her and make her my little slut and know that she loves me for it. Because I could never love another woman the way I love her and I want to give her everything she wants.

Exploitation

I want to be sexually exploited by my man. Used. Abused. Raped. I don't know exactly where this recent urge has come from--but I suppose that is a post for another day. A week or so ago we somehow ended up role-playing a rape fantasy of sorts and it was fantastic. And since then my need for this kind of attention is on the rise. I am craving it. There is something about being wanted so badly, so desperately, by a man that he is willing to do anything to fuck me. Makes my pussy quiver.


We've been discussing what this means to me--what kind of abuse is it that I want? How do I want to be used? BDSM and rape fantasies aren't the same thing, so do I want to be dominated or 'raped'? I don't want to have a really ugly and violent experience, necessarily. I want to be forced and I want to struggle. But I want to be fucked like a guy might fuck his girlfriend. Except I'm not his girlfriend and I don't want to be fucked. That sounds like a good scenario to start with.