It has been a sexless week. Stepping up the weight loss initiative we've being going to the gym at 5:30 AM twice a week. This has pretty much killed entirely the rest of life as we know it aside from the basics of work and rudimentary chores. We are, essentially, mindless zombies. And even with Peter Jackson to the contrary, mindless zombies don't fuck.
But the Goddess was out of town one night for work and we got really saucy on the gTalk talking about her getting a strap on and fucking me in the ass. I don't know how I discovered anal play being enjoyable - probably one of those hey I'll try anything moments - but for the most part she doesn't indulge me in such stimulation. It's not a bisexuality fantasy thing as I've proven to my satisfaction that I'm pretty much entirely heterosexual. I'm just a kinky bastard.
We've been listening to the Radio Blowfish Variety Show and like what we hear. Why couldn't we have friends in the real world like this? Oh, right, we live in hell. Anyway, they recommended a good harness for such activities but I'm concerned about sizing on my plus-sized lover. I can't say I ever imagined I'd write the email I'm about to write. Life is beautiful.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Courage in the Face of Others
The Domestic Goddess and I really have communication down to an art. We can talk about anything. Now this doesn't preempt the typical, farcical, marital spats that stem out of a lack of communication that to others would be totally obvious. I said we know how to talk, not that we can change the innate nature and qualities of a heterosexual relationship.
In the past we've had lots and lots of conversations about our sexual fantasies, our desires, our fetishes, our curiosities. The chats have been deeply erotic and have lead to frantic and intense love making. However, its typically been very vanilla love making. Hey, no harm in that.
There are two unique subcategories of failed fetishism that deserve explicit discussion though. First is bondage and BDSM. We really wanted to try this and we did, and while we discovered that she does really get off on feeling confined (gaffing tape was best) actual sessions of domination or submission intended to heighten the pleasure just left us cold. Literally. We even tried turning up the heat. You just get cold and bored and while the spanking of flogging is hot for 5 minutes you just get sore and achey and the mind goes on a little siesta.
And then there is the swinging. That is a fucking novel right there that is. I'll jump straight to the tl;dr; and summarize that while we have had some hot as hell threesomes, and feel that the more very well could be the merrier, all adherents in group sex we have met have put us off our eros. Boo. Fucking boo. My wife is all for having another girl in bed and I can't fucking find one that doesn't make me feel like I'm just being promiscuous.
Now thats an important last sentence, because this really could be entirely in my head. This could all be a me or an us thing. But I think there is a big difference between being promiscuous and being sexually adventurous.
I've been reading a lot of sexblogs lately, and I'm really fucking annoyed that we don't have the bravery to be sexual extroverts. I don't know what I/we need to do: work through personal issues? Compromise mental models of integrity? Keep it in my head while I masturbate to videos of orgies comprised of 19 year old drug addicts desperate for a dollar simultaneously selling out my dignity and exploiting young women ALL THE WHILE having a hell of an orgasm into a towel?
I wish a solution was more apparent, but exploring sexual themes touched deep into the psyche, and all the insecurity I have left in life seems to live right next to that place.
But its bloody annoying, I'll have you know.
In the past we've had lots and lots of conversations about our sexual fantasies, our desires, our fetishes, our curiosities. The chats have been deeply erotic and have lead to frantic and intense love making. However, its typically been very vanilla love making. Hey, no harm in that.
There are two unique subcategories of failed fetishism that deserve explicit discussion though. First is bondage and BDSM. We really wanted to try this and we did, and while we discovered that she does really get off on feeling confined (gaffing tape was best) actual sessions of domination or submission intended to heighten the pleasure just left us cold. Literally. We even tried turning up the heat. You just get cold and bored and while the spanking of flogging is hot for 5 minutes you just get sore and achey and the mind goes on a little siesta.
And then there is the swinging. That is a fucking novel right there that is. I'll jump straight to the tl;dr; and summarize that while we have had some hot as hell threesomes, and feel that the more very well could be the merrier, all adherents in group sex we have met have put us off our eros. Boo. Fucking boo. My wife is all for having another girl in bed and I can't fucking find one that doesn't make me feel like I'm just being promiscuous.
Now thats an important last sentence, because this really could be entirely in my head. This could all be a me or an us thing. But I think there is a big difference between being promiscuous and being sexually adventurous.
I've been reading a lot of sexblogs lately, and I'm really fucking annoyed that we don't have the bravery to be sexual extroverts. I don't know what I/we need to do: work through personal issues? Compromise mental models of integrity? Keep it in my head while I masturbate to videos of orgies comprised of 19 year old drug addicts desperate for a dollar simultaneously selling out my dignity and exploiting young women ALL THE WHILE having a hell of an orgasm into a towel?
I wish a solution was more apparent, but exploring sexual themes touched deep into the psyche, and all the insecurity I have left in life seems to live right next to that place.
But its bloody annoying, I'll have you know.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I love my wife
I just wanted to post and say I love my wife. That might sound rather self indulgent, but its important to say because I really love her that damn much. I don't think people accept those kind of declarations as necessary, but they are wrong. It needs to be repeated loud and often: I love my wife, she is extremely special to me, and no - you can't have her.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Thoughts for Later Elaboration
- A item is good only in so much as to the degree it introduces joy into your life.
- The bringing of joy is only found within the act of experience, and this experience must be driven out of a motivation to experience wonder. If you attempt to experience something without this sense of wonder, you are guaranteed to find tedium at the most essential levels.
- In agrarian societies, articles that would evoke this sense of wonder were quite rare, and had to be produced via the combined effort of dozens of individuals. It was a literal scarcity, which is difficult to understand unless you are forced to experience it.
- Due of the effort required to produce it, the strength of character to produce the art was of incredible magnitude. Thus, those who could appreciate the art were given elevated status of a sort. This is the most fundamental capitalist relationship of supply and demand.
- As the standard of living rose in the west, entertainment has managed to penetrate to lower classes of society: the middle class, or the poor, for example. Because of the lack of effort involved in experiencing entertainment, it is trivial to consume such things without digesting them, the next replacement is easier to obtain.
- However, one need not be of any economic status to learn to appreciate things. And it is in the appreciation of these things that true wealth, happiness, is found.
- The bringing of joy is only found within the act of experience, and this experience must be driven out of a motivation to experience wonder. If you attempt to experience something without this sense of wonder, you are guaranteed to find tedium at the most essential levels.
- In agrarian societies, articles that would evoke this sense of wonder were quite rare, and had to be produced via the combined effort of dozens of individuals. It was a literal scarcity, which is difficult to understand unless you are forced to experience it.
- Due of the effort required to produce it, the strength of character to produce the art was of incredible magnitude. Thus, those who could appreciate the art were given elevated status of a sort. This is the most fundamental capitalist relationship of supply and demand.
- As the standard of living rose in the west, entertainment has managed to penetrate to lower classes of society: the middle class, or the poor, for example. Because of the lack of effort involved in experiencing entertainment, it is trivial to consume such things without digesting them, the next replacement is easier to obtain.
- However, one need not be of any economic status to learn to appreciate things. And it is in the appreciation of these things that true wealth, happiness, is found.
Back to Reality
We've been fighting lately, a lot. A lot more than is usual for us. I know this has been mentioned previously, but it just seems like there is this tremendous strain on our relationship. Part financial, partly related to the whole issue of weight loss, part our own individual stresses relating to work. But it's getting to us. Our vacation seems like it was a lifetime ago already and in reality it's only been 2 weeks.
I'm on edge, he's on edge. We don't seem to be able to be there for each other in any real meaningful way. We aren't working well together as a team.
We have talked about it, of course. We are both feeling the same way. But what do we do about it? I'd like to focus on us--spend time together, do fun things, have loads of great sex, reconnect. I'm just feeling like there isn't enough of me to go around lately. I've been busy with work and I'm feeling like things at home are getting out of hand--the list of things that 'need' doing is getting longer by the minute. I say 'need' in this context because my version of things that are requiring attention is about a mile longer than his list of things that are needing attention. But where is the compromise? There has to be a way to make this work. But I'm getting to the point where I'm not relaxing at all and my stress is getting in the way of enjoying almost everything. I can't focus on the things I'd like to be focusing on right now either. We bought gym passes about a week ago and haven't tried them out yet because we haven't had time...or haven't chosen to spend our time at the gym. We are going to try to go in a couple of mornings a week. Neither of us are morning people and are doubtful as to how that is actually going to work, but I think it's far more likely that we can get in the habit of getting up early 2 days a week and getting it over with than heading back out to go after work or after dinner. It would be far nicer to be able to just settle our asses in front of the TV or something and not have to worry about the gym at all.
But all of these priorities--how the hell do people manage? I'm looking at my list of spring cleaning/organizing and thinking I need to take 2 days off of work to get it all done. But that seems crazy! I just hate having to spend every moment of my weekend dealing with shit like that. But it really should be done. It wouldn't be the end of the world if it weren't done, but seriously.....I know how dusty my house gets between cleaning--how can I leave my curtains unwashed any longer???
I have issues around cleaning and my house. I know that....and I'm trying to loosen up a bit. But I find that I spend more time convincing myself that I should let it go than it would take for me to just take care of it. I don't know where to find the balance.
I guess the biggest part of my frustration relates to all of these pressures I'm experiencing and feeling that I am the only one who is making an attempt to deal with them. I know that's not quite true--I'm not silly enough to think that this is happening in a vacuum or something. But I do feel like he can be an ostrich sometimes. At the same time, I know he's got all sorts of pressures as well--he's unhappy with work, he's worried about finances and when he's got down time it's downtime. Nothing gets in or through to him when he is in that head space.
Why can't every day be like a day spent with a Miami Vice in one hand and a good novel in the other while lapsing in and out of consciousness on the pool deck?
I'm on edge, he's on edge. We don't seem to be able to be there for each other in any real meaningful way. We aren't working well together as a team.
We have talked about it, of course. We are both feeling the same way. But what do we do about it? I'd like to focus on us--spend time together, do fun things, have loads of great sex, reconnect. I'm just feeling like there isn't enough of me to go around lately. I've been busy with work and I'm feeling like things at home are getting out of hand--the list of things that 'need' doing is getting longer by the minute. I say 'need' in this context because my version of things that are requiring attention is about a mile longer than his list of things that are needing attention. But where is the compromise? There has to be a way to make this work. But I'm getting to the point where I'm not relaxing at all and my stress is getting in the way of enjoying almost everything. I can't focus on the things I'd like to be focusing on right now either. We bought gym passes about a week ago and haven't tried them out yet because we haven't had time...or haven't chosen to spend our time at the gym. We are going to try to go in a couple of mornings a week. Neither of us are morning people and are doubtful as to how that is actually going to work, but I think it's far more likely that we can get in the habit of getting up early 2 days a week and getting it over with than heading back out to go after work or after dinner. It would be far nicer to be able to just settle our asses in front of the TV or something and not have to worry about the gym at all.
But all of these priorities--how the hell do people manage? I'm looking at my list of spring cleaning/organizing and thinking I need to take 2 days off of work to get it all done. But that seems crazy! I just hate having to spend every moment of my weekend dealing with shit like that. But it really should be done. It wouldn't be the end of the world if it weren't done, but seriously.....I know how dusty my house gets between cleaning--how can I leave my curtains unwashed any longer???
I have issues around cleaning and my house. I know that....and I'm trying to loosen up a bit. But I find that I spend more time convincing myself that I should let it go than it would take for me to just take care of it. I don't know where to find the balance.
I guess the biggest part of my frustration relates to all of these pressures I'm experiencing and feeling that I am the only one who is making an attempt to deal with them. I know that's not quite true--I'm not silly enough to think that this is happening in a vacuum or something. But I do feel like he can be an ostrich sometimes. At the same time, I know he's got all sorts of pressures as well--he's unhappy with work, he's worried about finances and when he's got down time it's downtime. Nothing gets in or through to him when he is in that head space.
Why can't every day be like a day spent with a Miami Vice in one hand and a good novel in the other while lapsing in and out of consciousness on the pool deck?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Affairs of the Infernal
We watched a peculiar little movie tonight, Mou gann dou. You probably don't think you've ever heard of it, but many of you have seen the remake of it staring Leonardo di Caprio, Jack Nicholson, and Matt Damon. Its western name is Infernal Affairs, remade by Martin Scorsese as 4 time Oscar winning The Departed.
Infernal Affairs is extremely similar to The Departed, with notable changes being an extreme marginalization of the female characters. Indeed, they serve as only occasional exhibits of conscience, and in the case of the psychologist (who is not in this film the romantic love interest of the corrupt cop) a means for exposition from the protagonist.
Also, the ending is not nearly as neatly tied up as The Departed, and this is both good (I always thought Mark Wahlbergs' character was all sorts of Deux-ex-Machinaed cheap) and for ill (key plot points of the ending are reserved for subtitled exposition - lazy!).
Infernal Affairs is also more meditative on its characterization, offering snippets of Buddhist thought to bookend the film, creating a more lasting impression. The Departed, however, features a lot more snappy and entertaining dialogue.
I do think Infernal Affairs was the better film, but The Departed was slightly more enjoyable to just sit and watch. Art vs. gratification, I suppose. Either way, no reason to not just watch both, is there?
Infernal Affairs is extremely similar to The Departed, with notable changes being an extreme marginalization of the female characters. Indeed, they serve as only occasional exhibits of conscience, and in the case of the psychologist (who is not in this film the romantic love interest of the corrupt cop) a means for exposition from the protagonist.
Also, the ending is not nearly as neatly tied up as The Departed, and this is both good (I always thought Mark Wahlbergs' character was all sorts of Deux-ex-Machinaed cheap) and for ill (key plot points of the ending are reserved for subtitled exposition - lazy!).
Infernal Affairs is also more meditative on its characterization, offering snippets of Buddhist thought to bookend the film, creating a more lasting impression. The Departed, however, features a lot more snappy and entertaining dialogue.
I do think Infernal Affairs was the better film, but The Departed was slightly more enjoyable to just sit and watch. Art vs. gratification, I suppose. Either way, no reason to not just watch both, is there?
And....FIGHT!
Lately we've been fighting a lot. We've also not been blogging much, as you've seen, and I think it all comes out of the same place. We have lofty, fluffy, nebulous goals for our lives that we never seem to be able to find traction in climbing towards. Weight loss, financial balance, time for happy-love-smooshy moments, it all seems to get wrapped up in a little package that gets entirely ignored when things get stressful.
We recently took an extended 2 week vacation, and while the vacation was 99.9% stress free (I don't think we had even the remotest conflict on it, you know) it really exacerbated the issues back home. When removed from our stressful existence, we are the happiest people on the planet. However, we seem to lack totally the capacity or mechanisms to deal with the real world successfully. It was really dismaying to compare our first week back from vacation with our week on vacation. Ugh.
I'm not sure what this is really about, as I suspect I have feelings somewhat unique to my generation. As the affluence of western society grows (built, I suspect, on the shore of an ocean of economic collapse) each successive generation grows further and further from a work ethic based on survival. We have a growing sense of entitlement to happiness unfounded on any sort of actual effort or the concept of reaping what we sow. I see it more and more in the people who are 17,18, or 19 now, but I reflect on it being substantially the cause of my own personal torment.
Its really fucking obnoxious. We watched a good movie tonight, but I'll make a separate post for that.
We recently took an extended 2 week vacation, and while the vacation was 99.9% stress free (I don't think we had even the remotest conflict on it, you know) it really exacerbated the issues back home. When removed from our stressful existence, we are the happiest people on the planet. However, we seem to lack totally the capacity or mechanisms to deal with the real world successfully. It was really dismaying to compare our first week back from vacation with our week on vacation. Ugh.
I'm not sure what this is really about, as I suspect I have feelings somewhat unique to my generation. As the affluence of western society grows (built, I suspect, on the shore of an ocean of economic collapse) each successive generation grows further and further from a work ethic based on survival. We have a growing sense of entitlement to happiness unfounded on any sort of actual effort or the concept of reaping what we sow. I see it more and more in the people who are 17,18, or 19 now, but I reflect on it being substantially the cause of my own personal torment.
Its really fucking obnoxious. We watched a good movie tonight, but I'll make a separate post for that.
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