Talking, and Patience

The problem I have is patience. We have been talking dirty to each other all day. I was sitting in a room of hundreds of people when the cellphone buzzes.

I want to be punished

It's not that I have a problem with the idea, its the implementation that I have problems with. I have no patience - I go straight for my orgasm and bowl over anything that gets in my way. Any perversions we choose to share are usually minimal endeavors to fill the foreplay time. To get me excited. Once excited I just want to get on and ride it out.

My body. I want you to abuse it.

I know from reading about BDSM that it can be so much better than this, and I can feel so much energy when sexually aroused that I know working to capture it, channel it, mold it, can only have positive outcomes. But I'm so used to just racing towards the finish, to the sublime thrill of the orgasm, the ejaculation, that I can't stop. I think I'm addicted. Semen is my inverse heroin. I need to my next hit. I need it now.

you need to fuck me tonight.

I'm not sure how I will break this cycle. I still idly masturbate to extreme pornography just to fill the time some days, just to say I did. I think I actually abuse my own sexuality, take it for granted. It is an end, not a means, not a sublime spiritual experience fueled out of the primal creative instincts of the universe. I don't respect it. I don't respect myself.

we need to go shopping tonight
for sex toys
online

I want tonight to be something special. I want to have sex for hours and hours and not be a slave to the tyranny of hydraulics. I want to take her and use her and abuse her and make her my little slut and know that she loves me for it. Because I could never love another woman the way I love her and I want to give her everything she wants.