Crossing Lines (Part 3)

The question as to whether this action taken by Resident Manservant is compatible with my feelings is very intriguing to me and I've been working on understanding my answer to this question all week.

It is true that he and I had had a conversation discussing our rules of engagement only moments before he chose to break them. And one might think that this would cause a certain and undeniable amount of distrust within me. To jump to the end of the story first, I will say that I have no problem with Resident Manservant and what he has done. This was my initial and immediate response and I was very surprised by it.

That being said, I've been trying to understand why I feel that way. We have had threesomes before with a number of different people. My friend being one of them. She is the only person who we have invited into our bed more than once though. She is a very close friend and the three of us get along very well. Many similar interests, and at the very least a similar outlook and philosophy about life.

When R.M and I first started 'swinging' we laid out some fairly exclusive rules. 'Only Together' being the first and most important rule. We were never supposed to pursue any extra-curricular sexual activity without our partner by our side. This was something we wanted to experience together. We didn't want to swap partners with people. We wanted to participate in beautiful sex acts together--with another female or male joining us, or perhaps in a larger, orgy-oriented environment.

The last number of times we have had threesomes have been with my friend and I have always felt a bit like an accessory. While I am quite interested in playing with Miss Single in a sexual way, I have never felt like her interest in reciprocating is genuine. She plays along, but I've always felt that it was a bit of a ploy to get at the magnificent cock of my husband. Whether she is genuine in her play or not, my interest has really waned in terms of having sexual relations with her as I really feel like the third wheel in the exchange. I'm just along for the ride. More a spectator than a participant.

Resident Manservant and I talked about this before bed that night and I reiterated that I was not interested in pursuing a threesome. It just wasn't all that satisfying for me. I knew she wanted action--and she was hoping to get it from Mr. Moved Away, but that clearly wasn't going to happen. Therefore, I was not at all surprised to hear when I first opened my eyes in the morning from R.M. that he had fucked Miss Single after I fell asleep. And I didn't mind. Obviously, he had crossed a line. A line that we had very recently discussed and reiterated. But it was cool.

I guess a big part of this is that this wasn't some random chick. She is a close friend whom we both care very deeply for. And in some ways I'd rather that she fuck my husband instead of some random guy she might pick up at the bar or return to other past boyfriends or fuck buddies--people who don't really care about her or treat her particularly well. We have explored this relationship together and I've decided that I'm not getting what I need out of it and it's not quite the right thing for me. Now, I'm not sure how I'd feel if this continued on a regular basis. But that is more because I am worried about my friend and her ability to remain emotionally aware and neutral while having sex with my fantastic and totally lovable husband. I don't worry about my husband's ability to do the same, but I would hate for her to fall tragically in love with a man who will never love her in the way she is desperately hoping to be loved. In the way she deserves to be loved.

What this means now is that my feelings regarding our extra-curricular sexual activities have evolved. I think I'd like to find myself a fuck buddy. Someone I can be close with, someone I actually have something in common with aside from sex, someone who I might even be interested in dating if I didn't already have a primary relationship with a wonderful man. Someone I could date, fuck, hang out with, and explore with, all without commitment.

I haven't said that very eloquently, I know. But what I'd really like to explore is whether it's possible to find people to have meaningful relationships with whom I might also occasionally have sex with. Polyamory is the term that comes to mind. I don't know if it's possible. But I'd like to try.

Crossing Lines (Part 2)

There are few lines in our relationship. While we explore certain boundaries of a sexuality together, one on one sexual contact with other women is out of the question. I do not have carte blanche, as some of my male confidantes thing, to be promiscuous. We are exploring life together.

So how then did I end up screwing my wifes best friend as she slept upstairs on our marriage bed? Good question.

The recipient of my extramarital carnality is a good friend of ours, the maid of honor at our wedding, and someone who over the past 2 years we have taken in to our bed together a handful of times. We both deeply care for her, and her for us. On so many surface levels a midnight tryst seems to run contrary to everything we profess to desire. It certainly wreaks havoc with the basic concept of trust.

But the reason I advocated with my wife to expand our sexual boundaries was based on a philosophical distinction I felt existed between relationships and physical love. The reason I can move outside the boundaries others adhere too is because, for me, the real essence of a strong relationship is entirely removed from sexual desires and behaviors. Our species, however we came into this present state, possesses a bizarre and complex psychology when it comes to our reproductive process. The intensity of those passions are frightening to some, and it seems to me that we cling to the stability of monogamy out of fear, to shed our responsibility for confronting that challenge. Much like our current societies ornamental attachment to the pretense of organized religion, people stay monogamous to maintain a status quo - because their friends are, because their parents did, because they have been lead to fear the alternative.

It is based on that understanding that I had no personal moral compunctions about fucking my wifes best friend. I, personally, have no issue with sharing that intimate physicality with someone who isn't my wife. I don't have any problems with my wife doing the same. Our relationship is based on a connection much deeper than the basic mechanics of genital interconnectedness. And we both have room in our hearts for other people as it is in our nature to reserve that one part that has created a unique spiritual connection with each other.

But perhaps I am being overly simplistic to support my romanticized self-image as a closet bohemian. What is an inescapable truth is that as early as just that evening it had been reiterated that this was simple something we do not do. It was not within our mutual comfort zone.

What pushed me to cross the line was a sincere feeling of empathy for the other woman. We already shared a deep connection - all three of us do. And she was feeling alone, isolated, envious of our stability, and deeply, deeply horny. I felt that with all we had said and done as a threesome it was the sort of thing that should be done. It would me hilariously tacky to say I felt obligated - I was highly aroused, intoxicated by multiple chemicals, and feeling deeply devious - but I did it because I needed to do it to be genuine to myself.

What remained to be seen was if following that path was compatible with my wifes feelings...

To be continued...

She Lies There

She lies next to me in bed, dressed only in her blue boy-short style panties. The duvet is just barely over her ample and gorgeous breasts. She is dozing off, avoiding house work to lie next to me. To be close to me. I cannot love her more than I love her right now.

Last weekend was her birthday and we drank to much wine. Her best friend came over late in the evening and we danced and drank and talked. And then at the time when the night meets the morning we all made love to each other, bodies draped over one another, the sound of leather on skin accentuating the moans of passion and lust.

An hour later the dawn is breaking. She has dozed off, exhausted, her vagina a soft and receding heat. Her friend is still hungry for more, and as she quietly slumbers we remain entwined in passion. I thrust myself deep inside this other woman and gaze on her sleeping face and wonder at her beauty. I cannot love her more than I love her right now.

Yesterday I had a nap. I awoke to her soft lips on my forehead. He voice was small in my ear. I cannot love her more than I love her right now.

Courage in the Face of Others

The Domestic Goddess and I really have communication down to an art. We can talk about anything. Now this doesn't preempt the typical, farcical, marital spats that stem out of a lack of communication that to others would be totally obvious. I said we know how to talk, not that we can change the innate nature and qualities of a heterosexual relationship.

In the past we've had lots and lots of conversations about our sexual fantasies, our desires, our fetishes, our curiosities. The chats have been deeply erotic and have lead to frantic and intense love making. However, its typically been very vanilla love making. Hey, no harm in that.

There are two unique subcategories of failed fetishism that deserve explicit discussion though. First is bondage and BDSM. We really wanted to try this and we did, and while we discovered that she does really get off on feeling confined (gaffing tape was best) actual sessions of domination or submission intended to heighten the pleasure just left us cold. Literally. We even tried turning up the heat. You just get cold and bored and while the spanking of flogging is hot for 5 minutes you just get sore and achey and the mind goes on a little siesta.

And then there is the swinging. That is a fucking novel right there that is. I'll jump straight to the tl;dr; and summarize that while we have had some hot as hell threesomes, and feel that the more very well could be the merrier, all adherents in group sex we have met have put us off our eros. Boo. Fucking boo. My wife is all for having another girl in bed and I can't fucking find one that doesn't make me feel like I'm just being promiscuous.

Now thats an important last sentence, because this really could be entirely in my head. This could all be a me or an us thing. But I think there is a big difference between being promiscuous and being sexually adventurous.

I've been reading a lot of sexblogs lately, and I'm really fucking annoyed that we don't have the bravery to be sexual extroverts. I don't know what I/we need to do: work through personal issues? Compromise mental models of integrity? Keep it in my head while I masturbate to videos of orgies comprised of 19 year old drug addicts desperate for a dollar simultaneously selling out my dignity and exploiting young women ALL THE WHILE having a hell of an orgasm into a towel?

I wish a solution was more apparent, but exploring sexual themes touched deep into the psyche, and all the insecurity I have left in life seems to live right next to that place.

But its bloody annoying, I'll have you know.