Back to Reality

We've been fighting lately, a lot. A lot more than is usual for us. I know this has been mentioned previously, but it just seems like there is this tremendous strain on our relationship. Part financial, partly related to the whole issue of weight loss, part our own individual stresses relating to work. But it's getting to us. Our vacation seems like it was a lifetime ago already and in reality it's only been 2 weeks.

I'm on edge, he's on edge. We don't seem to be able to be there for each other in any real meaningful way. We aren't working well together as a team.

We have talked about it, of course. We are both feeling the same way. But what do we do about it? I'd like to focus on us--spend time together, do fun things, have loads of great sex, reconnect. I'm just feeling like there isn't enough of me to go around lately. I've been busy with work and I'm feeling like things at home are getting out of hand--the list of things that 'need' doing is getting longer by the minute. I say 'need' in this context because my version of things that are requiring attention is about a mile longer than his list of things that are needing attention. But where is the compromise? There has to be a way to make this work. But I'm getting to the point where I'm not relaxing at all and my stress is getting in the way of enjoying almost everything. I can't focus on the things I'd like to be focusing on right now either. We bought gym passes about a week ago and haven't tried them out yet because we haven't had time...or haven't chosen to spend our time at the gym. We are going to try to go in a couple of mornings a week. Neither of us are morning people and are doubtful as to how that is actually going to work, but I think it's far more likely that we can get in the habit of getting up early 2 days a week and getting it over with than heading back out to go after work or after dinner. It would be far nicer to be able to just settle our asses in front of the TV or something and not have to worry about the gym at all.

But all of these priorities--how the hell do people manage? I'm looking at my list of spring cleaning/organizing and thinking I need to take 2 days off of work to get it all done. But that seems crazy! I just hate having to spend every moment of my weekend dealing with shit like that. But it really should be done. It wouldn't be the end of the world if it weren't done, but seriously.....I know how dusty my house gets between cleaning--how can I leave my curtains unwashed any longer???

I have issues around cleaning and my house. I know that....and I'm trying to loosen up a bit. But I find that I spend more time convincing myself that I should let it go than it would take for me to just take care of it. I don't know where to find the balance.

I guess the biggest part of my frustration relates to all of these pressures I'm experiencing and feeling that I am the only one who is making an attempt to deal with them. I know that's not quite true--I'm not silly enough to think that this is happening in a vacuum or something. But I do feel like he can be an ostrich sometimes. At the same time, I know he's got all sorts of pressures as well--he's unhappy with work, he's worried about finances and when he's got down time it's downtime. Nothing gets in or through to him when he is in that head space.

Why can't every day be like a day spent with a Miami Vice in one hand and a good novel in the other while lapsing in and out of consciousness on the pool deck?