The Fat.

Now that the subject has been broached, let's delve in. I'm fat, he's fat. We both would LOVE to be NOT fat. Someday.

It's hard. It's hard to be honest about why you eat. It's hard to control what you eat and it's hard to really make positive changes and stick to them. Recently we've been doing much better in terms of meal planning and portion control, but it still doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. In fact, I weighed myself last night and I'm 2 or 3 pounds up on what I've been at for the past 2 years. Why am I gaining now?

I know for me stress has been a big detractor from my intentions with weight loss. I've been finding it extremely difficult to focus on anything aside from my state of employment, in fact. I know I eat at times to calm nerves, and I know I eat as a reward. I started my new job this week, but I had all of last week off and I viewed the week as a reward--I'd been struggling for months and things had finally come together for me. I made time for myself, ate what I wanted to eat and enjoyed every minute (and morsel!) of it. And, to be honest, I truly don't see anything wrong with rewarding yourself with food in that way once in a while.

'Once in a while' being the key here. I am very bad for confusing once in a while with whenever I want. Not the same thing.

So, tomorrow I am going with a friend and joining WeightWatchers.

She has been using the points program for close to two months and has found it easy to incorporate into her daily routine and she has found that making a weekly commitment to a meeting has helped to keep her honest. We are hoping that we can keep each other motivated.

Weight has always been an issue for me. But I have never really put forth a serious and commited attempt to lose it. But this is something that must change now. I want to get pregnant in the next year or so and I am scared to death that I will never be able to lose it after I have a baby. I've also heard stories of overweight women having a bitch of a time actually conceiving in the first place. Not to mention how much more difficult it will be for me and my flabby belly to push that baby out. Heart disease runs in my family and I already have very minor indications of heart problems. All of this is very motivating for me, but I know I will struggle with it.

To be honest, this WeightWatchers thing is scaring the hell out of me. I have no idea if I am going to have the will power it takes to beat this.

I hope so.